Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
