my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
