Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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