bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The uberlube is also flammable
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
