I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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