I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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