Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
