my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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