Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
