I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
