My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
