i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
