No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
