Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
