I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
