So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
