Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
