Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
