one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
