i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
