No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
