Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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