I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The adults are the big ones right?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
