i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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