Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
