I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
