I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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