you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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