I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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