I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
