I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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