Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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