this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
