i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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