o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
