I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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