Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
