he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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