never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
