I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You are the jesus of drinking
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
