i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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