Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
