Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
