Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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