Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
