one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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