I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
