The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
