tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
