Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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