I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
