Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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