Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
